The keen observer won't be fooled by my upbeat and sometimes humorous daily writings. He will know that if you read between the lines I am really just holding it together all be it in a jovial fashion.
Ok. It's all out in the open now. I really am a worked up piece of work trying my best to keep everyone of the opinion that I can cope. I really can't and I am just pretending. I have this constant feeling of butterflies in my guts and the cold sweats happen regularly. It's a natural reaction to being dumped here in this reality from God knows where and being expected to cope.
In order to keep people from guessing the truth I go to extreme measures. I am like the comedian who has been tickled by one of his own jokes but as part of the show has to keep a straight face. It works pretty well for me though. I have been blessed with a real poker face. Maybe I should play the game, maybe there's some money in my face after all- certainly wouldn't be from modeling.
And whilst I am letting it all hang out here are some more truths:
I fucking hate housework!!!! I really really fucking hate it with all my heart. This includes those fucking bloody dishes. It pisses me right off having to do them all the time. It is not funny that our real life is just doing the dirty fucking dishes all the fucking time. When I do them I am seething with anger at the total waste of my precious time.
And I feel so undervalued by others. No-one seems to be interested in my life because they are so interested in their own life- - - -- --- all the fucking time. And they are like me, tiny little fish in a big pond of shit swimming around eating shit and being ignored whilst the super fat fish have bought wings from their vast wealth. Then have turned into flying fat fish leaving us to swim around in the shit forever whilst we watch with envy as they get fatter and fatter and yet still fly. We watch their lives but no-one watches our lives. Fuck them! They never wash dishes because they employ a million shit kickers like us to do it for them. They have far more important things to do like making their next million by a simple phone call- not by doing dishes.
But the biggest problem I have is not knowing if this is really the way I am always or is it just how I feel at this moment. I don't understand how people can make permanent statements about themselves. Things like saying:
I am always like this or I will never or would never do this or that, think this or that - you know they seem to have perfect unalterable grasp on themselves and things around them.
How can anyone be so set in concrete?
How can someone never vacillate in this life?
How can anyone be unwavering in their opinions and beliefs when life in itself seems to set about the task of demonstrating our impermanence and the fragility of our opinions?
I think their notions of permanence are just their wishful thinking, or our old friend delusional thinking brought on by the state or situation of the moment.
All I know is I hate doing dishes or rather I love to hate doing the dishes or I really like doing the dishes because it gives me an excuse not to achieve anything great in my life or I hate and love doing the dishes in a quantum way both at the same time and it is only after I observe the dishes that the reality collapses into hate or love etc etc .
There I go- one side of the fence to the other or both sides at once by balancing on the fence is more like it.
Basically I think life is unfair and that is unfair. So there!!!
I feel so much better now.
Better get to washing those dishes again.