Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Break ups- part 2

I haven't suffered through many break ups in my life. If I was to think about how many, the number is 3. By comparison, I know a woman who has been married 8 times.

The first was my first love at age 18. It was my first experience of the pain. It was unexpected because I had never endured that kind of emotional hurt before. It hurt more than it should have because of that. I had only gone out with that particular person for around a year and we never actually had intercourse so it was far more light weight than later in life. But it still hurt somewhat.

The second was after 6 years of marriage to my first wife. But again It wasn't a really heavy duty hurt that I experienced. It was more of an insult. I think this is because I remember two weeks after we were married, I was sitting in the kitchen and the thought came to me that I may have just made a mistake in marrying this woman. The reason being that I really didn't love her and I thought I had stupidly just gone along for the ride with the whole thing.

The third was to my recent wife of 24 years. Now this was the doozy. It hurt like hell and still does to a degree. You see, I had to work at it to finally get some good quality hurt in my life. I had a long run of lack of emotional hurt and it was my turn. I had tried for many years. I had done all the right things. I drank excessively. I preferred the company of my mates instead of hers. I was messy and controlling. Goodness. I gave it my best shot but she went ahead and hung on in there. Unbelievable.

After 24 years hard work I was finally satisfied in 2005. I was finally able to experience real emotional hurt and it felt great. You see. Sometimes we can be asleep emotionally and not even know it. In our search for soft landings, comfort and security we can weigh anchor in some safe port away from the rough seas. But in so doing we risk putting ourselves to sleep with the safe boredom of it all.

I don't feel bored at all now. I have been shaken and stirred and I feel really alive. I no longer crave security of that safe relationship. Fuck it! If it's there- it's there. But I don't really need to seek it out so hungrily. All this because I experienced the true power of having my guts well and truly kicked in. From this you can see--- breaking up is one of the best things that can happen to a person. I recommend that all you out there currently in a happy relationship go ahead, right now and break up. You will really get something wonderful out of the whole exercise.

It's a funny little thing called freedom. Freedom that only comes from stopping your needy little ways. It is those who are in a relationship because of need who are the least free and unfortunately------------

Everyone is needy. Consequently there is no real freedom people. Just need.

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